Army Sailor -- War in the Sandbox...
The Adventures of a Sailor in Afghanistan...

They say all is fair in love and war. I personally would beg to differ. In fact I'd go so far as to say that all is unfair in love and life. Now granted I recognize that fair is a relative term, and I don't really want to misuse it. Nor do I want to sound overly negative or depressing, but my life experience todate has taught me one simple truth: life is unfair.

Good people die too soon.

Women are never happy with a man who treats them like a queen.

The one you love rarely loves you as much, and the one who loves you the most is rarely the one you love.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

All of the above are prrof to my point. I really feel like I am in a world where bad people and lazy people are rewarded, while those who toil and strive for others go unnoticed at best. While I was home on leave all the talk on ever news channel was about the 10 year-old murder case of a little girl, hardly any mention of the war at all. When there is mention of the war, it's almost always of Iraq, many people seem to have forgotten about Afgahnistan all together. Many of us over here feel like the forgotten bastard step-children of war. We get the left over equipment, and very little recognition.

Now don't get me wrong, we don't do what we do for the recognition. I recently got into a bit of a tiff with one of my officers over here. I was expressing the fact that I don't really agree with most of what we are doing here, and I definately don't agree with our methodology. In my opinion it's wasteful, and not very productive. Basically like all things run by the government, I feel this operation is being run poorly at best. So he asked me why I was over here then. I think I surprised him with my answer.

I am not here because I have to be. I am not here because of orders or a contractual obligation or anything of the sort. Hell, I'd have no problems at all living in Canada. I am here to support my comrades-in-arms. I am here to support the man next to me. I am here to help relieve the burden of a soldier. I am here so that a man with a wife and kids can spend a little more time at home with his family. Few others seem to understand that. What I don't understand is why so many Americans are so apatehtic about this whole situation. I really feel like most people look at this war as little more than a television event.

How many people have ever taken the time to stop and think about what we go through everyday over here. The bullets rockets and IEDs are not the hard part. The hard part is knowing that life goes on back at home. The hard part is waiting for a letter or an e-mail that never seems to come. Don't get me wrong, I get plenty of letters and e-mails, but in my mind I tend to imagine what I want the next letter or e-mail to say, and they never say what I hope they will. It's hard to think about the fact that people are getting by just fine and dandy in your absence. On one hand, it's good to know that those you care about are not in any undue pain or discomfort, but on another hand it's a bit disheartening to think that they are busy running around living their lives -- without you.

While I have been over here I have don my best to take a journey inward, to try to help myself prioritize my life. To try to help myself realize what is really important to me, and what I can do to be happy when I get back home. Step one of that was accepting that it's not all about me. Other people do have lives to. I can not expect other people to constantly be worried about me, or waiting anxiously for my next message or what-not. It is hard to realize that other people have opinions that are just as valid as my own and they are entitled to them. It is hard to realize that my friends are entitled to go on about their business, going to work and to school and playing video games and such without worrying about me every moment of the day. Constantly seeking the feeling of being special is selfish. It's hard to resist.

I have also learned that contentment is a zero sum. Meaning that happiness and sadness both require some sort of sustaining effort. Contentment is when all things are balanced. That balance is hard to maintain. It tends to fluctuate, both in good ways and bad ways. When it fluctuates positively, we call that happiness. The problem with happiness is that it's fleeting and no one ever likes the feeling of going back down to contentment. Happiness is like being high. When it fluctuates negatively, we call that sadness, which helps us better appreciate our contentment.

While I have been over here I have realized that I have toiled most of my life to try to maintain the high we call happiness. I have long struggled for the affections of a woman, I have constantly sought after more pay and new things. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with constatly striving for more. But over here I have discovered that I actually need very little to be content. And the problem with the constant struggle for happiness is that when you can not achieve it or maintain it, it tends to throw you straight into sadness. Happiness is like a drug. After a certain period of time, the highs aren't as high, and the lows are very low, and soon you have to keep struggling just to feel content. You can see proof of this by observing the wealthy.

I have decided that what is best for me is to not allow myself to have my happiness become dependent upon my possessions or the actions of others. The problem with freewill, is that it makes people too unpredictable. I am struggling to be content with who I am. I have always fealt the need for some sort of external stimuli to make me feel like I am a good person. I have never really been able to see the value in myself as a person, and this has been even more true in recent years.

I sincerely think a huge part of the problem is that I really have not been challeneged by my life for years. Every challenge presented to me has turned out to be too easy. This isn't a matter of ego, it's a matter of fact. There has only been one aspect of my life which has been an absolute challenge to me, so much so that I have become obsessed with it. Those closest to me know what I am refering too. The problem with that obsession is that it has made me putt all of my eggs in one basket. I have placed all of my chances for happiness on a bet. And it's a huge gamble.

Now I find myself at a cross roads. I am at a point where all my chips are on the table and the wheel is still spinning... The ball has not landed on a number yet, but it is slowing. And it's really begining to look like I may lose the bet all together. So what do I do? Do I scramble to save my chips? Do I try to move them onto multiple different numbers and hope that one of them will hit? Yeah the pay-off would be a lot smaller, but the fact is that at least I could break even...

Well anyone who knows me knows that I live my life in the spirit of one simple quote...

"FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD"

I am letting the chips ride. I will let fate decide the outcome of my gamble. But I am going to diversify my future efforts. Having come to the realization that the reason I feel so little self-value is due in large part to a lack of challenges in my life, I have decided to try to lead a more challenging life. Not a challenge of trying to get fancy new things, or make more money, the challenge of living life, and discovering as much as I can about myself and the world around me. That has begun over here, with my inward journey. It will continue when I get home, as I have decided to go to Temple University. I want to double major in History & Political Science with a Minor in either Sociology or Economics (if that does not proove to be a challenge, nothing will). And after that I want to find a job I enjoy, and a place to live that I would be content in for some time to come. I have a laundry list of personal projects I want to do. I want to start living my life, rather than waiting for it to start.

Most of you are probably aware that the deadliest Suicide Bomber attack in Afghanistan since 2002 recently occured in downtown Kabul. And by now, thanks to the News media you are probably also aware that it was one of our convoys, and we lost two fine soldiers.

What you may not be aware of is the shock wave of grief and pain that it sent throughout our entire unit, which is distributed all throughout Afghanistan and those who are serving a support function in the rear back at home. The loss of a friend is never easy, but it's even harder when it happens so suddenly, and as an act of such amazing cowardice.

This attack happened at the end of last week and I wanted to post something sooner, but for obvious reasons I could not post anything until I was assured that the families of the deceased had been notified.

On Saturday we all gathered together to send our friends home. There was a beautiful ceremony. The entire base lined either side of the main street as the precession moved towards the flight line. Our unit was assembled in formation, with an honor guard and a band as the precession made its way onto the flight line. As we carefully loaded our honored dead onto the aircraft to send them home for the last time a feeling of tremendous saddness moved through the formation. Sadness, not for their loss of life so much as for our loss of a dear friend and comrade. A sadness for their families having lost such special loved ones.

People who are willing to risk their lives for another person are a very rare breed. People who are willing to risk their lives to travel to the opposite side of the globe and risk their lives in an effort to help make a better life for those in a completely separate country are an even more rare breed. And that is why I suggest that rather than mourn our loss of friends, it would be more appropriate to celebrate the lives they lead, and the sacrifices they made. Afterall, they are in a far better place now. It is us who are in a worse place. Because the world without their presence will never be the same, we have lost something special.

Fair Winds & Following Seas SFC Merideth Howard & SSG Robert Paul.

Our Battalion commander wrote the following message to all of us. (Reprinted here by his expressed permission)

ALCON:

I’d like to apologize for the delay in getting information to you on the brave CA Warriors who fell on Friday 08 Sep 06 in Kabul. As I know many of you have read on other sources, the Civil Affairs community lost a brother and sister at arms in Kabul. SFC Merideth Howard and SSG Robert Paul were killed in the incident. A Fallen Comrade ceremony was conducted at BAF on 09 SEP 06. Delay in being able to let you know further information was due to difficulties in achieving verification that NOK notification was completed CONUS. Collectively we mourn the loss and collectively we will recover. SFC Howard and SSG Paul will always be with us as we continue conducting Civil Military Operations in Afghanistan, Iraq or any other location in our worldwide mission. Our prayers and thoughts are with all members, families and friends of the collective JTF 405 CA (405th and 364th).

Very Respectfully,
"All The Way!"
Stephen C. Kiser
LTC, CA
Commanding, JTF 405 CA

So I finally made it back to beautiful Afghanistan at around 2AM this morning. Believe it or not, it's actually good to be back. Not that I would rather be here than be at home but the traveling sucked so bad that it's nice to be back to a routine, and back in "my own bed" and so forth.

Of course it is a bit weird sleeping alone, and it's also kind of lonely, but I am at least back with my unit, and I am sharing vacation stories, and showing pictures, and catching up on what has happened since I left, so things are not so bad. Once I fall back into my usual 'routine', I should be fine. But for now I am back and ready to go.

I will post more vacation pictures soon.

So I've made it as far as Kuwait. I was supposed to leave today, but our flight was canceled because of a sand storm. Those things can come out of no where to take a huge shit on your day. Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about being stuck in Kuwait. I am in theatre, so I am collecting Combat Pay and not paying Taxes, both of which are a plus. But I am also in a travel status which means I have no responsibilities here whatsoever, other than to muster twice a day. Which sounds great except for a few minor glitches...

First off, I am still on Eastern Standard time. I am writing this post at two in the morning, because to me it's seven in the evening. The climate here is not very conducive to me fixing my sleep schedule either. It's upwards of 130 degrees here during the day, and there is nothing to do but sleep in my nicely air conditioned tent, and wait for a flight. But because I slept all day, I now can't sleep at night. Uggghhh...

Add on top of that the fact that I have this deep feeling of lonliness and emptyness inside, from having to so abruptly leave the woman I love, again, and it makes for a very uncomfortable stay in Kuwait.

I never thought I'd say this, but I actually can't wait to get back to Afghanistan, so I can back on a normal schedule, and get busy. As long as I remain busy my mind is distracted from the fact that I am not at home. Plus, the time goes by faster when your busy, and each day that goes by brings me one day closer to home. Which is my ultimate goal.

It's kind of funny. I was thinking about how crappy that really is of a concept. The idea that I want time to go by faster. I mean, life is short enough as it is, you should not wish for it to be shorter. I guess I just wish I could expedite the crappy times, it just bothers me that my vocation has put me in a poor circumstance for such a length of time. The feeling is only amplified by the fact that this leave period was a particularly special one, that went remarkably well.

For now, I suppose I will do the only thing I can... Sit and wait.

Well, I am on the first leg of my journey back to Afghanistan. I am writing this post from the USO in Atlanta international airport. Once again I am using my blog as a means to escape the reality of my situation for the moment. Leave was much too short, but I am very glad to have had the opportunity to take it. It was simply fantastic.

Once I get back I will post some pictures from my last days on leave. I took some gorgeous photos down in Valley Green (an area of Fairmount Park in Philadelphia), and I have some other good pictures.

For now I think I am going to go have some Wendy's while I still can.